Category: Train of thought

This is just my random thoughts, moods, and me letting you into my head

An Open Book

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

Hello, Hello!

It has been a while since I have written, shared, reviewed, rambled about anything on here. I want to change that. So HERE WE GO!

       We are in a time of  uncertainty. A lot of us are living in daily fear, anxiety, and depression. Some of us have found a way to excel and overcome the obstacles. Regardless of what mindset and situation YOU are in, we are all doing this together.

Isn’t it odd to think that the whole world is experiencing EXACTLY the same thing you are?

       I find it oddly refreshing.

Not because I want others to suffer, but rather because the feeling that you are not alone in something so huge. We are all United!

       That brings you back to my blog space. I want this to be a space where I can share my real feelings, my honest reviews, my “let’s ramble about something”. For the longest time, I was afraid to share my thoughts. I was terrified about what others would think of me. If someone I know in real life read my words, what would they say?

       I am tired of “hiding” and I am going to start sharing!

I encourage you to leave honest words in the comments. Share your stories, feelings, thoughts, and life with me. Let’s UNITE in a creative way. This IS a safe place and I am ready to share without posting as private 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Until the next post, STAY STRONG!

Xo

Lisa

Disconnected

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

Technology is just an illusion, a world of confusion.

Social media tells us to be social and embrace our friendships.

The act of being social, yet somehow still alone.

Having a conversation with 5 others right there on your phone

Seems convenient enough, but did you forget about the one sitting right in front of you?

Can you look her in the eye?

Can you hold a conversation without feeling anxiety?

Or will the pressure be too much and that phone will be your savor.

Right back to your hand again to scroll through other’s shared moment.

While she is sitting there, looking at you, not understanding what she did wrong.

Stop telling hundreds what you’ve just done, because You should sharing this moment, with just one.

When you put down that device, your world opens up again

When you are too busy looking down, you wont see the chances you missed

That friend whom you haven’t seen in years just walked by

Your soul mate is sitting next to you on the train

You’re stuck on Instagram scrolling your life away.

Pick up your eyes, so you don’t live in regret

We are not promised a specific time in this life

We are not guaranteed damn thing

But what you did with the time you are given, is what you will remember when your time is up

Will you look back and remember great food, traveling, meaningful conversations that lasted for hours.

Or will you remember what Sally Sue did when she went on vacation?

Will you remember how many “friends” liked your post?

Here’s a tough one

Will you remember that last dinner conversation that the family had with grandpa the day before he passed?

Of course not, you were too busy looking at your Snaps.

What has become of this generation?

Why is someone else’s life on a screen, more important than your own.

Why do conversations feel like such a taboo and eye contact could raise the dead

We are living in a world with smart phones and stupid people.

As technology grows we become more disconnected.

Is it worth the Neck strains and loss of cognitive functions,

The time lost and memories that never happened?

Stop reading this blog and shut off that phone.

BE PRESENT in a world that is disconnected.

Your ghost

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

I feel a little sad today
My head’s on fire and the memories are choking me alive.
I never asked you what you wanted, what you needed.

I never looked close enough.
If only I had known there was a hell of a storm you needed to weather.
Something rumbling deep inside.
Something that a little bit of sunshine could have subsided.
I know I was less than ok at this, but people can change.

We can be better.
If I let my steel walls come down.
Stop running this marathon of nowhere, as fast as I can.
We can be better
We waited til it was too late
How could you have known

We both crossed that line
I’m acting like I don’t care
But I swear I’m just scared
Deep down this is killing me
I still feel your ghost from time to time
…All the time
Time can heal but this wont
I guess misery loves company

And your ghost will always be with me.

Steel walls never came down.
Running, running getting nowhere fast
Could haves
Should haves
How could you have known
We both crossed that line
We just let this go

…but your ghost will always be a part of me.

MAY: Mental Health Awarness

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

As you all know, MAY is mental health awarness month, and today I felt like Raven; a big ball of crazy chaotic, all over the place emotions so I felt the need to write.

Raven Cosplay made by me

First off, I’m not writing this for you to say feel better, I’m sorry. None of that is necessary. I’m writing this to say hey, I’m just like you, and you, anddddd YOU!
So please don’t

My whole life, people have put me down. Made fun of me. Picked on me, because I wasn’t just like them. I learned to accept it and know that there was nothing I could do. I didn’t turn into a Mega Beeee. I didn’t go on a murder everyone in sight spree either. However, I did develope pretty bad anxiety, depression, and self hate. I’ve struggled with this for so long. I didn’t speak. Literally, I was silent. I had no friends, and the ones I had, knew I didn’t say very much. I had eating disorders because people told me as fat. I didn’t want smile because people told me my teeth looked like vampire teeth. I hated who I was and didn’t understand why thought I was so awful. My depress got he best of me and I went into a pretty intense time in my life where I cut myself just to feel something more. I do not recommend this, don’t do it! All of this, all of these battles made me stronger, even though at the time I thought I was falling towards the pavement full speed. I personally think I have come a long way. I’m not perfect. I still struggle so hard sometimes, but I’m ok!

Today I had a thought. A thought that moved to a lot of thoughts, pain, and regret. Thoughts that made me question others and have such a heavy heart for a situation. I as in absolute tears. Balling my eyes out. I won’t go into details, but the reasoning for this is down below.
….still reading?
Good!!
Lesson time
–

Don’t let others opinions dictate your life. Over the decade plus time I have worked in this industry, used social media, grown as an adult, I have learned that it doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, where you live, what you eat, or who you are in a relationship with…. People will have opinions. Some good, some bad. Some people will hear rumors and go with it, expand on it, cry wolf. So many ways for people to attack, and trust me, they will.

Judgement without context
Judgement because of rumors
Judgement because … Judgement
This judgement will drown your bliss if you listen.
Don’t listen.

Don’t give in to the absolutely rediculous things people say. I open my DMs and read the most awful messages daily. For no reason. People find some form of joy, thinking that they hurt you. Don’t let them. Your happiness is important. You shouldn’t be scared to live your life. You only have this one, so live it. Live it for yourself and no one else.

–
As for the “giving” end.
Do not distroy others. One should not attack others until they are physically broken. No matter what. Be adults.

.

.

With that being said. If you EVER need to talk, I am always a click and type type type away 😁

Puzzle Pieces

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

It’s been a bit since I have done a blog entry. More recently I have been writing more journal writing, poems, thoughts. This is something I jotted down today. I wish it was a little more upbeat, but this is what I’ve got.

 

My puzzle pieces are falling down

Faster and faster they just hit the ground

All I can hear is the sound – of your voice

Telling me you care

but why do you leave me here.

Standing all alone

here in the dark

I’m wondering where, where I went wrong

*what did I do wrong

Wrapped in these lies

and I still don’t know why

but they are swallowing me whole.

*Swallowing me whole

If I could just grab the pieces

and put them back together again

maybe I’d climb out alive.

I’m not getting out alive.

You’re still telling me you care

but you still leave me here

with another lie

*Another lie

standing all alone

here in the dark

I’m wondering how this went so wrong

*Why is this so wrong

You want this life of wonder

lasting love and happiness

Baby you’re throwing it away, with those lies you say

time and time again

Just imagine for me now

that life that you see

what will it be

when you are the one standing

all alone

*Is it worth it now

Just tell me that you care

and stop leaving me here

I don’t want to stand here all alone

i’m alone in the dark

Baby tell me that you care

without another lie, another lie

The pieces are on the ground

they just lay there now

and all I can hear is the sound – of your voice

Telling me that you care

but you left me here

wrapped in these lies

so many lies

Fields of burning flowers

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

We have all been there! Big or small. White or dark. We have all experienced this some time in our lives. Sometimes it’s innocent. It comes across as a safety net to catch you when you fall. Or maybe a little bit of lip stick to make you look a little better. But sometimes. Sometimes someone lights a match to one dying flower and sets the whole field ablaze. The fire keeps spreading, and spreading out of control. Which one have you experienced? How far has it gone. What do you do when you are standing in that field with fire all around you? Do you hunt for water? Do you run away? Or where you the one who started the chaos?

We all have all been there. We have all stood in that field. We either told a lie, or have been lied to. Not all those who told a lie meant to hurt you. But does fire mean to burn those who touch it? No. I am not saying that every lie is innocent. But I am saying that some mean to be, but still do damage. 

We all need to take a look at ourselves. You know the classic saying that mom would tell you, “do to others as you wish upon yourself.” Would you really want someone to lie to you? Even something so simple as “Does this make me look fat?” If it does, say YES!! Why lie and let the individual find out another way and be even more hurt? We all need to stop being so afraid of honesty. Stop fearing truth and confrontation. If more people expressed their feeling, fears, and emotions and actually tried to have a conversation instead of Facebook posts and Tender swipes- the world would be far less confusing. 

SAY IT! Say what is on your mind. Stop covering up the truth. Stop safety netting every step you make. Friends, Family, and strangers. Everyone deserves honesty. And if you truly care about someone, not one word of dishonesty should come out of those lips.

Let’s start today.

Make a pact with yourself to stop the lies. Together we can do this. Together we can create a world so beautiful and re-grow those lost fields.

Neurons of Chaotic Intent

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

It hurts. I’ve got this storm that’s crashing inside of me. A gentle rain to those around, but a hell of a tsunami drowning me from the inside out. Waves crashing upon my tired body. A feeling so cold. The sting like that of torns smacking across every inch of my skin. Something so chaotic, yet no one can see. No one can hear my screams. The tears are invisible. Almost as this was all part of my imagination.

It hurts. Ive given up so much. Always have. Probably always will. That’s just who I am. I put others first. I sacrifice my dreams. My journey. My potential. All in the hopes that happiness will shine upon others. Glow in ways I never could. But I’ve given too much. I can not replenish these pockets of mine.

It hurts. Im walking slowly down this road. There is a cross road ahead and I must make a choice. One says “Do as you have done.” And the other says “Do something for you.” I can see the outcomes spread out like a deck of cards on a table in front of me. Occasional Jokers and Wilds, but I can see my hand. So I finally do something for me and hurt so many people around me, or do I continue to tread water and gasp for air in this tsunami.

It’s hurts. Not knowing what to do. It hurts. It hurts.

Its been a while

Lisa Ann PinelliLeave a comment

It has been a while since I have written in here. I’ve had a lot of heartache, stress, laughter, joy. My life has been everything that a life should be. However recently life has caught up to me. I have found myself struggling to smile. My heart is heavy and I feel as if a piece of me is missing. 

I lost 2 of my girls. One was killed and the other died of heartache. My heart aches everyday for them. I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. That I could have prevented the whole tragic nucence. I promised my girls a better life. I promised a big house with an even bigger yard in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere they could run freely in the warm sunlight, breathing deeply the fresh clean air. This is what I promised. This is what I know they deserved and what I want more than anything. But those dreamed had to be put on hold. And sadly, my girls will NEVER experience it. And that, that is what hurts me the most. 

I am torn between two worlds. I am unsure of what to do with my life, and whether or not to pursue my dreams. I have dreams that do not meet others standards. Dreams that can cause others heartache and sadness. But what are my dreams worth. The struggle between making myself happy and making sure I am doing what is right for me, while others feel sadness. Or to disregard my own happiness to make others happy. This struggle is eating me alive.