It has been a while since I have written in here. I’ve had a lot of heartache, stress, laughter, joy. My life has been everything that a life should be. However recently life has caught up to me. I have found myself struggling to smile. My heart is heavy and I feel as if a piece of me is missing. 

I lost 2 of my girls. One was killed and the other died of heartache. My heart aches everyday for them. I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. That I could have prevented the whole tragic nucence. I promised my girls a better life. I promised a big house with an even bigger yard in the middle of nowhere. Somewhere they could run freely in the warm sunlight, breathing deeply the fresh clean air. This is what I promised. This is what I know they deserved and what I want more than anything. But those dreamed had to be put on hold. And sadly, my girls will NEVER experience it. And that, that is what hurts me the most. 

I am torn between two worlds. I am unsure of what to do with my life, and whether or not to pursue my dreams. I have dreams that do not meet others standards. Dreams that can cause others heartache and sadness. But what are my dreams worth. The struggle between making myself happy and making sure I am doing what is right for me, while others feel sadness. Or to disregard my own happiness to make others happy. This struggle is eating me alive.